I find myself digressing.
It seems that I make so much progress in my mental state and well-being, and then something triggers me to snap. I can’t hold it together. I react badly to rejection, to hurt, to isolation, to a tiny little something someone said or didn’t say. And then I ruminate.
I ruminate on how I reacted. How I could and should have reacted differently. Maybe not have reacted at all. Maybe I should have followed that gut instinct to not even contact a person. There is a reason I took their number out of my phone three days earlier. Why look it back up and message them to see how they are? There is a reason. There was a reason. And the reason just reared its ugly head. Because I react badly.
Because something inside of me told me that I was better off to move on before I learned something I didn’t want to know. Something that could trigger me to go off. To backslide. To digress. And then ruminate.
I feel like crap. I allowed myself to overreact on Friday. It’s now Sunday. I don’t feel any better because I have been ruminating on the issue. It seems like I start climbing out of that deep, dark hole and just as my fingernails scratch the surface of land, I slide back down into the pit again.
I allow myself to feel bad, and I don’t know how to make it stop.