I miss nights spent watching “The Golden Girls” long after

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Blood is thicker than water.

everyone else had gone to bed. We would gossip, talk, share things, and for once I finally felt like I had a sister.

We went to movies. Shopping together. Beach trips as a family.

You were a missing piece of me that I never knew how critical that missing piece was until I lost you again.

I loved when you came to stay at my apartment one time. Even though I had to work, it was nice having someone there when I came home. I was so used to the silence. The loneliness. We would cook dinner, or sometimes go out to eat. I didn’t have to think about how tough or easy my day may have been because it wasn’t just me. I wasn’t alone.

I miss that after a tough day, you would scratch my back or massage my feet. I’m a sucker for foot massages, and it always relaxed me while we watched something silly on television. It always made me feel close to someone. Accepted. Loved. Safe.

I think that’s what sister’s are supposed to provide for one another.

I’m sorry if I didn’t provide that for you. If I was just too young and selfish to realize that maybe, without realizing it, I was hurting you. I wanted to understand. I wanted us to be close. A part of me knew I couldn’t fully trust you because…well…you can never fully trust anyone I have learned. Not even yourself. I don’t trust myself much of the time. I know I am not to be trusted.

For the most part, I try to spread kindness and love in the world. Sometimes I know that’s not the case. Nobody is perfect.

But you hurt me. I want to say I have forgiven you. I want to say that the wound has healed. And perhaps the initial wound of you manipulating everyone around us to make me the bad guy has healed, for the truth came out. The wound that I don’t feel close to you anymore hasn’t healed. I can’t feel close to you. I can’t let myself trust you again. I want to –  I wish that I could.
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Oh, I would give anything to be close to you again. I wish so much that you were here with me – spending days and nights with me this summer just being my sister. I wish we could have been roommates.

If only I could rewind time…

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